There’s a ‘Rhinoceros in heat’ in your screenplay!

on Thursday, May 30, 2013 ·

One of the writers I’m working with wrote:

INT. CHEESY BAR – NIGHT

Soaked by Pancho’s drink, Red runs at him like a rhinoceros in heat.

Really? The problem with that or “runs like a gazelle” or “waddles like a platypus” or any simile or metaphor, that it places in the reader’s mind an image that doesn’t appear in the movie. I’m seeing this more and more and it’s so wrong it ruins otherwise good scripts.

And another writer wrote:

The elevator opens and it seems like everyone inside jumps off as if the Queen of England is inside.

So now I’m visualizing the Queen of England.

A variation from another writer:

The rain looked like melted teardrops on the window.

Melted teardrops – really? No, not really? Makes me come out of the screenplay to think about the writing.

The same writer also wrote:

Possum-like.

Like a nosy neighbor.

Like an out of control basketball.

Like a happy puppy dog.

Michael dances with the fluidity of someone in a full body-cast.

Funny – but not in the movie.

You want the reader to stay in the script. It’s part of the seduction from FADE IN: You want to hook them right off the top and never let go.

For more insights into writing take a look at my new book:

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Categories: Lazarus Rising · Tags: metaphor, rhinocerous in heat, seduce the reader, simile

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